Baby blues?

Looking back on how I felt as we brought our little Finley home from the hospital was definitely almost like a "Twilight Zone" feeling.  Almost as though I had a dreaded feeling.   Fellow parents,  I know many of you have experienced your own form of the "baby blues" so to speak.  What I thought was the baby blues was not.  I read while I was pregnant that women who suffer from depression or anxiety may have a larger chance of experiencing  post partum depression.  I have had symptoms of anxiety for a very long time.  I was taking medication for my symptoms when I discovered I was pregnant with Finley.  I immediately weened myself off of my meds just because I didn't want to risk anything being newly pregnant for the first time.  How did I feel you ask?  I felt really withdrawn.  Cried all the time, was super paranoid something terrible was going to happen to Finley or even my husband.  Then at times, when she would cry and I would be tired, I wouldn't even want to get out of bed to feed or comfort her.  I knew deep down I loved her, but I felt as though our lives were going to be this constant strain and the feeling of being helpless and not knowing what the hell to do.    Some women probably do not even get what I am saying because they either get the baby blues real quick, or they have never suffered from depression or anxiety before.

My mother stayed with us for 2 weeks to help.  If she was not here I do not know how I would have made it.  I knew I had to get help with my anxiety.  I was even afraid to change Finley's clothes.  I was sad that our previous lifestyle was gone.  I was upset that it was winter and felt extremely isolated.  I begged my mom not to go, I even vomited the morning after she left.  I am not trying to be a debbie downer but I do want people to understand that PPD is no joke.  It's serious and I knew I needed help.  I decided that nursing was not an option due to this.  I made a choice to feed Finley formula exclusively.  I started seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist.  I started on meds about 2 weeks after I gave birth.  I am still taking medication today and I have no regrets.

I had no idea how this was going to affect me.  I always imagined mothers wanting to harm themselves or their child.  THIS WAS NOT THE CASE AT ALL.  I just had this "funk" over me and it took almost Finley's first month of life for me to truly "snap out of it".   I was holding her on the couch one evening and I looked at her and it was like I was slapped and I snapped out of it.  I had been on medication over a month and I knew all was going to be okay.  I knew that I was a parent and needed to be there for Finley.  She is the most precious thing in my life now.  I love her more than anything else in this world and would walk through fire for her.  I urge new momma's if they are experiencing anything I explained, to please get help.  You are not alone.  It is so important to help yourself so you can be your best for your child.  They need you.   I needed her too.  I needed my sweet Finley and the comfort I felt when I snapped out of my PPD was so relieving.   I also had amazing support from family and friends.   I could not imagine if I was a single parent what I would had done to make it through.   Telling this story is such a relief.  I felt very embarrassed and ashamed about the way I felt.

Almost thinking to myself, "Do I really love my child"?    Of course I do.  She is amazing.

So thank you for reading!

xo, Dinah

The beginning of parenthood….

Wow!  I had to remember how to sign in and get typing.  HA!  I loved the break I took at blogging.  The last 4 months have been the most amazing, challenging, and happiest of my life.  However, it wasn't the happiest for me in the beginning of my motherhood journey.   When I was 9 months pregnant and nearing my 39th week of pregnancy, I was terrified.  My OB said I was 80% effaced and almost 3 cm dilated.  Every morning I would wake up and would think "OMG, am I really ready for this"?  Also, I wanted her out of me because I was so uncomfortable.  I couldn't even roll over in bed.  I had to sit in the shower to bathe because my legs hurt so much.  The night I went into labor I knew it was coming.  I was checked by my doctor, and all of a sudden I started feeling this dull pulling in my lower back.  We had plans with friends that evening so I ignored it.  I was telling myself it was just braxton hicks.   After some spicy food, and playing cards against humanity, the dull pain became harder in my back.  I started to feel anxiety.  My hubby and I arrived home from our friends house and I attempted to get into bed and try to sleep as comfortably as I could due to my huge belly.  Then it happened…..LABOR.  I got up so I could let my honey sleep, and went downstairs to try and walk around.  I wanted to scream at how painful the labor progressed.  I couldn't breathe, and I started to cry alone on our couch.  Finally after 5 hours of 6 min apart contractions all in my back, I called the hospital.  They told me to come in.  I frantically woke up Eric and we drove to the hospital.  Hours of waiting and no progression.  I was so upset and in pain.  I was sent home with Ambien and was told to get some sleep.  Problem was, the pain was so awful I couldn't even close my eyes without tears.  My parents arrived several hours later and I wanted my mom so bad.  She held me through the contractions and tried to soothe the terror I felt.  Finally after several warm baths that night and trying to sleep I couldn't take it anymore.  I called the hospital again and we got in the car to drive back.  It was like it was all meant to happen this way.  My water broke in the car on the way….definitely felt like I pissed my pants several times.  It was so cold out it kinda felt nice, HAHA.   I got the blessed epidural and finally slept for a few hours.  Then I was fully dilated.  I pushed for almost 5 hours.  NOTHING.   I was the most exhausted I had ever felt.  I couldn't physically push anymore.  My epidural was wearing off on my right side and I burst into tears.  The doctors wanted to try forceps, and I refused.  A C-section was the only other option.  I accepted immediately.  It was the relief I needed to see my daughter and stop the pushing that was doing nothing.   She wasn't moving down my birth canal, and I felt like I was going to pass out.

After prepping me for surgery and minutes ticking, she finally came.  Finley Marie Gacon 8 pounds 11 ounces and 21 inches long.  I was so tired I could barely smile.  I heard her cry and I looked over at my husband and I knew all was okay.

I have so much more to explain on becoming a new mom.  I want to explain that it was not a fairy tale. Not at first.  That will be another post.  I was relieved she was  healthy and okay.  I felt like an entirely different human being.  Now, I love being her mom.  I continue to love her more each day.  I even love Eric so much more now.  We are a family and it makes me cry on how lucky we are.
It really made my day to share this today.  Stay tuned for the second part of my journey after we arrived home from the hospital.

Peace,

Dinah xo