Baby blues?

Looking back on how I felt as we brought our little Finley home from the hospital was definitely almost like a "Twilight Zone" feeling.  Almost as though I had a dreaded feeling.   Fellow parents,  I know many of you have experienced your own form of the "baby blues" so to speak.  What I thought was the baby blues was not.  I read while I was pregnant that women who suffer from depression or anxiety may have a larger chance of experiencing  post partum depression.  I have had symptoms of anxiety for a very long time.  I was taking medication for my symptoms when I discovered I was pregnant with Finley.  I immediately weened myself off of my meds just because I didn't want to risk anything being newly pregnant for the first time.  How did I feel you ask?  I felt really withdrawn.  Cried all the time, was super paranoid something terrible was going to happen to Finley or even my husband.  Then at times, when she would cry and I would be tired, I wouldn't even want to get out of bed to feed or comfort her.  I knew deep down I loved her, but I felt as though our lives were going to be this constant strain and the feeling of being helpless and not knowing what the hell to do.    Some women probably do not even get what I am saying because they either get the baby blues real quick, or they have never suffered from depression or anxiety before.

My mother stayed with us for 2 weeks to help.  If she was not here I do not know how I would have made it.  I knew I had to get help with my anxiety.  I was even afraid to change Finley's clothes.  I was sad that our previous lifestyle was gone.  I was upset that it was winter and felt extremely isolated.  I begged my mom not to go, I even vomited the morning after she left.  I am not trying to be a debbie downer but I do want people to understand that PPD is no joke.  It's serious and I knew I needed help.  I decided that nursing was not an option due to this.  I made a choice to feed Finley formula exclusively.  I started seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist.  I started on meds about 2 weeks after I gave birth.  I am still taking medication today and I have no regrets.

I had no idea how this was going to affect me.  I always imagined mothers wanting to harm themselves or their child.  THIS WAS NOT THE CASE AT ALL.  I just had this "funk" over me and it took almost Finley's first month of life for me to truly "snap out of it".   I was holding her on the couch one evening and I looked at her and it was like I was slapped and I snapped out of it.  I had been on medication over a month and I knew all was going to be okay.  I knew that I was a parent and needed to be there for Finley.  She is the most precious thing in my life now.  I love her more than anything else in this world and would walk through fire for her.  I urge new momma's if they are experiencing anything I explained, to please get help.  You are not alone.  It is so important to help yourself so you can be your best for your child.  They need you.   I needed her too.  I needed my sweet Finley and the comfort I felt when I snapped out of my PPD was so relieving.   I also had amazing support from family and friends.   I could not imagine if I was a single parent what I would had done to make it through.   Telling this story is such a relief.  I felt very embarrassed and ashamed about the way I felt.

Almost thinking to myself, "Do I really love my child"?    Of course I do.  She is amazing.

So thank you for reading!

xo, Dinah